"there's something about you. the way you talk, the way you clearly have a deep sense of understanding, and caring... I can read a lot about people just from their eyes, and I nearly got lost in yours. you make me feel at home, and welcome, in an environment i'm unfamiliar with, and to be honest, I had the feeling I should hold your hand at one point.
you're just lovely; a wonderful example of what a lot of the population could aspire to be."

When a tornado meets a volcano

"i'm just sorry cuz i'm not... too normal or too myself right now. i used to be determined brave strong.. a fighter.
e o perioada tare lunga in care am fost doborata de prea multe ori. but... it always happens for a reason."



Toti copii sunt inocenti. And then they grow up si pe masura ce invata [as in traiesc] mai mult, pe atat sufera mai mult, pe atat se schimba mai mult, si nu neaparat in bine. Ii admir pe oamenii ce isi pot pastra bunatatatea intacta.

Am fost si eu un copil. For a long long time. Si imi amintesc ca in inocenta si in ignoranta mea, i was happy.

Pe cand acum.. I'm my biggest enemy. I know life is scary. And people are scary. But i'm okay and used to it. But when it comes to myself.. That scares me.

I used to know how to control myself, imi impuneam foarte multe lucruri, pana si ce sa simt. And then i lost control.

I dunno if i know myself anymore. And it's not necessarily a bad thing.

I think i'm scared of myself.

I think i'm masochistic.




Sometimes you may feel that you've lived for nothing. that you've done shit with your years. that you do not own them.

sometimes you feel that you do not know who you are.

but do not regret anything cuz everything you have done is who you are.

i have no idea if i have done more good deeds than bad ones. maybe that's why people invented the judgement day. if were to die right now, i have no idea what i'd say up there.

i know people are both good and evil, kind and selfish, loving and vengeful.

i got used to having a bad opinion about myself. too bad, actually. it made me feel unspecial.

ego is a tricky thing. it was my first and one of my best armours. but in time, i forgot how to use it well and it turned against me. just as the other armours, which got worse and worse and hit me more and more. cuz i'm my biggest enemy. yeah it's between me and Tyler. my bad imaginary friend. my devil. Max is the very good, very cool imaginary friend and i love that guy.


if today was judgement day... mi-ar parea rau. nu am facut ce imi doream pe pamantul asta, nu tot. i'd look back, i'd want back. i'd leave treasures in here.

i've done too little in my first 20 years.

am uitat [cum] sa fac oamenii sa zambeasca. am fost egoista rea paranoica posesiva egoista egoista egoista. si razbunatoare. and i've hurt lots of people. i still dunno exactly how to forgive but ive tried to.

am iubit. asta e primul lucru bun de spus. am iubit in multe feluri si incredibil de mult.

am incercat sa le arat altora caile pe care le consideram corecte. desi asta poate intra in categoria "bossing people around cuz i'm an egocentric selfish bitch". dunno.

uneori am ajutat fara a avea vreun interes.

de multe ori am uitat sa imi arat recunostiinta. am lasat multi prieteni in spate.

after all, am invatat multe. ca totul e trecator. ca se poate mai rau. ca exista dreptate undeva. am invatat sa o accept de multe ori. ca tot raul spre bine. ca everything in this world happens for a reason. ca hope can get you through anything but it can also kill you.

ca people make mistakes. ca you shouldn't be judgemental cuz you can do it too, in the same way or worse.

ca e greu ca o persoana sa te inteleaga. ca iti trebuie multi ani si incredibil de multa munca pt ca cineva sa ajunga sa te inteleaga. ca asa ceva e rar, pt ca, as i said, totul e trecator. prietenii vin si pleaca, oamenii se schimba. niciodata total, dar pe alocuri, suficient. ca you're very lucky when you have that special someone and you should cherish him.

ca everyone needs faith. or a muse. ca i still have one. i'm still waiting. i'm still loving something, wow. i still have a soul.

ca ignorance is bliss. ca being in love is bliss. oricat ai suferi, tot esti mai fericit in durerea ta imensa decat daca nu ai mai avea pe nimeni la care sa te gandesti. oh, trust me. ca having smth to die for makes it beautiful to live.

ca greutatile in viata vin si trec. si se rezolva. ca viata e o insiruire de evenimente care ne fac sa nu ne dam seama cat de lungi si de boring sunt de fapt anii.

ca omul e o fiinta sociala. si o bestie. si un martir.

ca orice ai face, se va intoarce inapoi la tine.

i lost innocence and i gained knowledge. i lost happiness but i gained wisdom. i lost my dreams and i gained pain. pain can open your eyes. i lost part of my kindness and i gained experience. i lost the ability to trust people and i gained friends. i lost love and i gained eternal loyalty. I lost pieces of my sanity on the way but i gained the biggest treasure ever.

Cumva dezinflatia mi-a amintit de dezindragostire... Hmmm.

Mai e cineva pe lumea asta care crede ca dragostea dureaza etern? Chiar sunt curioasa. Am impresia ca ramasesem ultima amarata care mai credea asta inainte.

Cert e ca... maybe you never know. Dar in general... Prima dragoste chiar nu e ultima. Nu degeaba exista proverbul asta. And maybe at some point you'll wake up one day realising that it's so weird that for some time now you haven't felt those sweet things for the one that you used to. And you haven't even noticed the change, just cuz it's good like that. Maybe. Who knows.

At some point sentimentele dragute se vor indrepta spre altcineva. Sau nu. Dar unde erau inainte nu vor mai fii. Se poate ca asta sa te dea peste cap, sa te schimbe ca om, sa te faca sa nu mai stii ce vrei de la viata sau chiar sa nu mai vrei nimic. Sau se poate pur si simplu sa ramana ceva frumos si linistit unde inainte fusese foc. Sau se poate sa ramana durere, neimplinire, regret. Depinde de povestea fiecaruia i guess.

Sau se poate sa nu ramana nimic. Sa fie nepasare.

Si sa continui sa speri si sa visezi la ceva cat de cat bun. Sau nu.

Either way, I'm gonna fuck everything up sooner or later.

Stres

O saptmana incredibil de incarcata, si evident, de stresanta. Totul a inceput vineri, cu primul test, si ar fi trebuit ca in weekend sa ma pregatesc pt saptamana ce urma, adica numai referate, proiecte, teste, partiale, etc... Si, ca de obicei,a sa cum am facut tot anul, nu am pregatit sau lucrat nimic. Iar luni m-am trezit dupa 4 - 5 ore de somn ca sa dau primul test greu, si sa aflu cu cate puncte intru in examen la o alta materie. Apoi am venit acasa si CHIAR am lucrat la vreo 3 proiecte. Doua-s terminate, unul complet, celalalt aproape... Iar al treilea e inceput. Si chair sunt mandra pt ca am descoperit cum se lucreaza in Microsoft Access!

At some point ieri cand lucram in Access simteam ca nu mai pot gandi si ca ma dor ochii asa ca vreo doua ore am luat o pauza si am dormit. Si am visat ca stau toata noaptea sa termin proiectul si ca nu apuc sa dorm si ca adorm la facultate si nu mai apuc sa il prezint sau asa ceva, oricum STRES la maxim. Dar am terminat totul ieri si acum sunt icnredibil de relaxata [nu, dar as fi fost MULT mai rau daca nu le terminam]. Azi si maine mai am teste si prezentari de proiecte importante. Prima zi s-a dus... Mai e un pic. Apoi e mai lejer totul. xD

Macar asa, cu saptamana asta incarcata, imi iau si eu gandul de la alte prostii. Si asta e cam a doua sau a treia zi in care ma obisnuiesc cu gandurile mele "normale", deci maine sau poimaine cel tarziu voi fi okay, pt ca obisnuinta este imperativul categoric. xD

Hysteria

Hope sprays eternal. Yes, it really does. But who the fuck thinks that's a good idea?

Pana acum... nu pot spune ca mi-a adus numai lucruri rele. Mi-a adus lucruri bune, recunosc. Dar m-a facut sa trec prin o groaza de cacaturi, drumul spre (semi-)reusita a fost mereu lung si pavat cu greutati, suferinta si rahat. Si vad ca tot nu ma invat minte, masochista din mine.

Nu TOT ce iti doresti se poate implini. Unele lucruri chiar nu tin de tine. Si unii oameni au prostul obicei [sunt putini, indeed.] de a spera in ceva intr-un mod obsesiv, uneori pt ani intregi. Ca sa ce? Ca sa isi depuna toata energia si sanatatea mintala in acel lucru, sa vrea acel lucru atat de mult incat sa fie orbiti de el si... in final sa nu reuseasca. Pt simplul motiv ca "soarta"/God/altii nu vrea/vor sa le dea ceea ce ei isi doresc. Simplu.

Iar sentimentul sperantelor pierdute dupa ce erai CONVINS ca vei reusi.. este... epic. Pur si simplu epic.

Si cumva oare Oana vrea sa treaca din nou prin asta? Nu s-a invatat minte deja? Hmmm.

Scriu cu intentia de a imi tine o morala. Pt ca nu e nicio persoana lucida mai aproape de mine care sa ma traga tare de brat si sa imi spuna "Femeie, trezeste-te!". Iar daca mi-ar spune nu stiu daca as si crede-o.

So WTF Oana? Ti s-a urat cu binele? Sau doar iti era prea bine cand era bine si acum cand nu mai e, vrei sa crezi ca va fi din nou at some point?

Well, probabil ca va fi bine din nou someday, dar in alta situatie.

Mmmm cafea cu lapte mmm...

Cine crede ca nu mai poate fi [foarte] surprins de viata se insala amarnic.

Oana, trezeste-te la realitate. Thank you.

It had to happen though. Am invatat multe din chestia asta. Chestii destul de mari. Ca mai pot gasi fericirea, e posibil. Ca people make mistakes and it could happen to anyone and that i should be less judgemental. Ca life does go on. Ca... maybe I'm doing smth wrong? Myeah...

And it was nice. And pretty. And weird. And annoying. And kinda long. *sighs*

Macar se invata din toate experientele naspa si fiecare se intampla pt a iti aduce ceva bun mai incolo.

Parca e destinul meu sa repet aceleasi greseli apropo de ceea ce simt. Si sa trec prin situatii foarte asemanatoare si de cacat. Jesus...

It feels so awkward to feel similar things in situatii diferite, dupa 3 ani de "rutina". But i guess it's better. Macar acum sunt ceva mai lucida. I hope.

I think I'm addicted to happiness. Cuz I want it now.....

How to save a life

Nu am mai scris de foarte mult timp. Si nu am mai scris ceva important de preaaaa mult timp. Poate pentru ca toamna trecuta am acceptat ca poate am o problema si am incercat sa o rezolv. Si asa, in timp, am ajuns sa nu mai fiu deprimata. Asa ca inspiratia/muza mi-a disparut. Acum sunt doar un om... as fi spus normal, dar as minti. Sunt un om foarte talentless. Doar faza cu scrisu' o aveam si eu. Pacat de ea ca s-a pierdut. Da' tot e mai bine decat sa fii deprimat, I guess.

Everything changes in this world. Cand eram mai mica si auzeam asta, mereu ma gandeam ca "nu, nu e adevarat, cel putin dragostea troneaza forever. Iar oamenii nu se pot schimba foarte mult.". Yeah, right. Oamenii se schimba, extrem de mult. Se schimba de la culorile preferate pana la gandire si mentalitate. Planeta se schimba. Gusturile se schimba. Iti schimbi stilul vestimentar, prietenii, persoana iubita.

Da, dragostea se poate sa nu dureze o viata. Cred ca la unii oamenii e posibil sa make it work, IF they really want it to, dar in general... Se duce.

Am trait pe propria piele faza cu "Dragostea dureaza trei ani". Si nu sunt singurul caz. It's weird.

La inceput am fost foarte dezamagita, almost heart broken actually, sa descopar ca toate promisiunile si toate sperantele, toate dorintele din dragoste.... se pot duce asa, pur si simplu.... E trist. Acum pur si simplu am acceptat "crudul adevar". Uneori se poate, alteori nu. Life's tough. Nu e totul asa frumos cum imi imaginam la 17 ani...

E ciudat cum unii oamenii sunt atat de dezamagiti in amor, si totusi continua sa isi doreasca dragoste cu aproape aceeasi ardoare.

Some of them are not scared at all. Poate pentru ca au suferit prea mult si prea indelungat prima data ca sa considere ca pot gasi ceva mai rau de atat... But...you never know.

Daca nu gasesc pe nimeni pana in 2018, am un pact. Ma voi casatori cu un tip genial. we are each other's safety net. I find that cool. DAR. La cum ma stiu pe mine in dragoste, se prea poate ca el sa gaseasca pe cineva pana atunci si eu nu :)) Cuz I am THAT lucky. Si probabil atunci imi voi cumpara multe pisici si voi imbratrani drept "fata batrana si artagoasa cu multe pisici de care rad copiii".

Let's hope that's not gonna happen. :))

M-am gandit eu asa intr-o zi si am descoperit ca daca cineva/ceva are sanse sa fie dragostea mea eterna pt toate vietile mele.... acel ceva e Muse. Muse au cele mai multe sanse. Muzica lor.... 8->

In iarna am facut un fel de experiment. Practic, concluzia din el a fost ca inca pot crea o legatura cu cineva apropiat. Ca inca pot arata afectiune cuiva si ca ma pot bucura sa am pe cineva aproape. It was awesome si mi-a aratat ca maybe I don't/wouldn't suck so much in a sortof relationship. Yeah, I'm kinda psycho, dar se poate muuult mai rau.

Sunt intr0un punct in care viata trece pe langa mine while I'm having fun and i have no idea what tomorrow will bring and i don't care too much about that. Ah de cateva luni/saptamani I started "trusting" people again. Am mereu pe cineva in jur si mi-am largit cercul de "prieteni". Decat 3 sunt cu adevarat prietenii mei. Cat despre ceilalti... I guess they're fun.

What's wrong with me and liking unavailable people? I had a crush for some time si persoana respectiva at some point pur si simplu disparuse. Si eu eram amorezata la greu si de cand a reaparut si ne vedem in fiecare zi....nush ce sa mai cred. Si nush ce simt. Adica.. it feels good. I want more, even though I don't. Cuz I'm scared. Cuz i dunno how i feel. And i dunno how i feel cuz it's not "more" between us (yet). And i don't want "more" between us until I know that I DO feel smth for sure. Cuz i don't wanna have "more" and realise I feel shit and end it just like that, like another meaningless crappy incercare.

In momentul de fata nu cred ca mai stiu ce vreau intr-o relatie, ce caut la o persoana etc. I have no idea and i have no idea if that's a bad sign or not. Maybe is it cuz my expectations in ceea ce priveste oamenii are sooo low?

Viata te surprinde intotdeauna. First because karma is a bitch. Te poti trezi in EXACT aceeasi situatie ca cineva pe cineva pe care ai judecat. Si cel mai probabil te VEI trezi asa. Si acea persoana judecata de tine la fel, pt ca o fi judecat si ea pe cineva at some point, poate chiar pe tine. Si probabil situatiile voastre vor avea loc in acelasi timp. It's interesting. And bad. So bad. Second pt ca nu stii nicidoata ce iti poate aduce ziua de maine si ce se va intampla. Cand esti convins ca vei castiga un pariu, in general poti primi o porunca. Cand esti convins ca ai gasit finally o rezolvare, te trezesti ca privesti in spatele unui geam cum un intreg univers se darama, fix sub ochii tai. Si stai dupa geam si te uiti ca bou'. Cand esti convins ca toate incep sa iti mearga bine, vine ceva extrem de important care sta sa se strice de foarte mult timp si care te demoralizeaza aproape total...

Thing is, I've become evil. Without realising it. Maybe I've always had it in me, not sure.

I've always wanted to know how evil people feel when they're being evil. Thing is, maybe they don't (know what they) feel. Just like sociopaths.

Re-watching sex and the city - starting season 5 riight now, cu un mic dejun pregatit in 15 min in care am fost adormita, i loove coffee, and later i'm gonna have it again with my friend, si pana atunci am noi materii la facultate, and i just felt the need to write that life is good. Except for the fact that i eat EEVERYYYTHING these days. No, seriously, I do. Uuu breakfast and sex and the city yaaay.

SATC

"in love relationships there is a fine line between pleasure and pain. in fact there is a common belief that a relationship without pain is not worth having. to some, pain implies growth. but how do we know when the growing pain stops and the pain pain takes over? are we masochists or optimists if we continue to walk that fine line? when it comes to relationships how do you know when enough is enough?"

The violence in your heart.

Some time ago, I used to be cool. Smart, popular, active, cute and naive. And then i fell in love. Si nu mi-a mai trecut. Si acum, three years later, descopar ca... azi te pot iubi, maine te pot uri. Si ieri voiam sa te bat doar asa de plictiseala. Asta daca ai onoarea, sau mai bine zis ghinionul, sa te observ, bineinteles. Ca vreau sa ma mai indragostesc si nu reusesc inca. Si ca imi e tare frica de momentul in care se va intampla. Ca nu stii la ce sa te astepti de la mine, ba sunt incredibly sad, ba increhehedibly angry, ba...nu simt nimic. Ca nu stiu ce as mai putea avea de oferit pe plan moral, sentimental. Ca i'm not relationship material. Maybe i never was. Intr-o relatie ori tre sa am extrehehem de multa libertate si de asta se va termina in maxim o luna pt ca nu te suport respirandu-mi aerul, ori acaparez TOT si vreau si mai mult de atat. I shouldn't do relationships... Ca nimic nu ma mai impresioneaza, putine lucruri imi plac si SI MAI putine ma bucura. Ca nimic nu mai e suficient de satisfacator. Ca sunt alta persoana. Una pe care nu o cunosc. Una care simte ca nu mai are cine stie ce de pierdut. Una care si-a dat seama uimita de curand ca vrea (inca mai vrea..?) lucruri total opuse fata de ce voia cea de acum trei ani. Una care nu mai vrea multe totusi. Una care vrea sa fie lasata in pace. Poate pentru ca e mai safe asa. Una care nu stie de capul ei. Una care nu stie nici ce simte. Una egoista, furioasa, plictisita si extrem extrem de fucked up. Un sac de piele in care sunt indesate resturi si bucati dintr-o persoana buna. Resturi mototlite twisted intoarse pe dos si cu multe spatii de vid intre ele.

So, I started wondering, is love really the most beautiful thing in this world?

Make you feel pure

"I want to exorcize the demons from your past...."

Three

Hmm, maybe some things never change.

"This photo of us, it don't have a price, ready for those flashing lights?
Baby there's no other superstar, baby you'll be famous,
Chase you down until you love me"

"You healed these scars over time,
Embraced my soul, you loved my mind,
You're the only angel in my life"

"You touched these tired eyes of mine, and somehow growing old feels fine..."
"You wrap your thoughts in works of art and they're hanging on the walls of my heart..."
"And though my edges may be rough, I never feel I'm quite enough, it may not seem like very much... But I'm yours."

Mr. Mackey il chema, ma!

I know grandmas and grandpas always say that, and maybe all the people with this problem advice other people to not deal with it, but now i'm gonna be all cliche and not cool and stuff.

Kids, do NOT smoke!

..Not because it'll kill you, wtf, i don't really care about that, I mean, who does? Who is thinking these days "Oh my God i don't wanna die of cancer"? Yeah, we don't care. - Don't smoke because it's really expensive these days. SO expensive. It hurts your pocket, trust me :)) Also, they could make you feel sick, they could give you pains - headaches, lung pain dunno. They ruin your health as in you can't run fast, you can't work out much [how could you live without thaaaat?], you hate stairs, you can't hold your breath underwater [or not] for more than twenty seconds, you cough a lot and it's pretty not sexy at all.. They're also not that satisfying actually - they only hurt your throat - and everything's in your head. The "Oh my God, i can't deal with this problems without a cigarette"... Which proves my point. All they EVER give is dependence. And yellow teeth and yellow fingers. And smell of smoke in your clothes... And in your pretty used-to-be-perfumed hair....

*sighs*

So yeah. Don't smoke. Smoking is bad mmkay?

So. I should suck more candies or something instead.

Rocher

"In your house I long to be,
Room by room, patiently..."